Saturday, October 27, 2012

the feeling.

While having a cup of tea, a girl come to me and presents a conflict.

this feeling is hard to describe.
is this what people called as love?
while typing the above statement, I am still confusing and blurrr.

wake up dear little girl.
first, for the very beginning of stage 1, yes you feel nothing and everything seems to be fine, and will be fine as well.
he came and you both be friends. shared and talked a lot of things which you don't even realise that 'magical feel' spreading through your own heart.

Stage 2, he told you how he feels. At this stage, everything he does seems sweet and close to your heart. You just like this feeling and most importantly, you feel comfortable with it, with him even though your heart are not ready for the next critical stages. So, you did tell him to not put any high hope on this relationship.

Stage 3, you start to think of him, contacting every each day, reporting things of your life, even receiving and downloading reports from him as well. And this happened automatically, without any pressure from anyone or anything! This moment, you are too occupied and being careless. You don't even realise, you are actually giving such hopes to him and ya, you forgot to ever mention that, "please, don't put a hope", again.

Stage 4. He asked you, "how now?". He is getting more serious and perhaps wants a label for this relationship. You just can't figure out how you felt, even you feel now. And you decide not to hurt him. Yes, you don't want to hurt him, [which, unconciously, you are actually did dear little girl], so you decide to come clean again. He then back off one step and decided not to be close as before anymore.

Stage 5. He and you, both stalking each other, wondering how he/she is doing?, is he took his meal?, is she okay? They still contacting each other, like once a week. The fact is, they are care each other. On your big day, that night, he told you that he miss you and how he really wants to go and see you that day but could not. And ya, actually you are missing him too, you were looked around where he is could be to be found that day, but you just don't tell him.

Stage 6. He made it. He touched your heart. However, you still with your same answer, as you still clueless about how you feel because, your heart like in mixer bowl. You just too afraid to take a risk as once you declare it, you know how powerful the word is, so you don't wish to misue it in a state that you, yourself are confuse. You told him that you are not good enough and suits for him. You just can't explain why but just hoping that he will understand it by himself? And...he hurts, again. He just don't want to receive any form of communication from you anymore, as that will be just add on, top up on his wound. Now you know, now you realise because of the 'hope' you accidently gave, is what hurts him.

Stage 7. You read the last email of you-him. You feel hurt, deep inside your heart. What you know, your heart hurts when you know you hurt him. And how you wish he knows that it is not your intention at all. No more explanation, as no matter what, it's just won't change anything.

Stage 8. No, I will use 'Next stage', which only God knows how the stage will be or if is there any stages more after this. But at this stage, you always pray for him that he will find his happiness soon, very soon even before you find yours.

somehow, more likely, there is something like to be a barrier. A barrier between you and him, an obstacle between you and him, a difference between you and him and an obvious line that differentiate between you and him, which why you both are impossible to be together.
Remember, "how you feel is just not enough for you become one and together" or "perasaan sahaja tak cukup untuk dua orang bersama dan bercinta".

# and now, she is merindu. I mean, if, she is always thinking of him, do things and suddenly the things related are reminding of him, keep listening his songs and sometimes hoping to hear from him, that is rindu right? Yet she is still clueless and rationally, sit quietly in her own world.

p/s - I had my last sip right after heard the little girl's 'presentation' and my mind flies on something. What am I thinking? Emmm...will present it here later then! :D